Today I'm going to start talking to you: whoever is reading this. I don't consider anything broadcasted here to be private.

It's a little cold and overcast outside. I hope it doesn't rain. I left an window AC unit out in the rain the other day. I hope it still works.

I left it outside because I was letting myself get sidetracked to help cultivate motivation to do some urgent task. Often doing one thing helps me to want to do an unrelated thing. I try not to do things I don't want to do.

How do you motivate yourself to do things?

Recently I've gotten to know three dogs. They are living the suburban life. I'm doing what I can to improve their conditions.

One thing is making a nice sleep spot. I've been experimenting with foam beds. They seem to like to tear up the foam. I imagine it's preferable in some way to have many small bits of foam instead of one big piece of foam.

Maybe it's just fun!

Or maybe they're doing what am I but through their own initiative. I think it's good to encourage others initiative.

I have enough going on to keep up my momentum but I am just coasting. Also I'm a little lonely too. Perhaps these are related.

I feel rejected or abandoned in a way that's hard to place. People want me around and signal positivity when they see me. But few understand my internal world. In the last few days, no one has seen my internal world.

This problem, while minor, reduces my resiliency. I'm basically isolated to one household. I need to reach out to others.

I've had some good moments but things are pretty bad for me. I feel aimless, hopeless and lonely. When I try to work with others I seem to be overwhelming and not much gets done.

I'm falling into a pit of care giving.

I worked all day yesterday in an active way. And I'm working all day today in a on-call sorta way. Also today I wrote a bit and am generally feeling well.

Parts of yesterday were really hard. I was working with some of the people I'm closest too. We're still working out how to work together. I often feel like the oddball out.

My social support system isn't very broad atm. I need to work on reaching toward relationship new and old. It can be hard to remember to do that.

That's what I call project ideas that excite me but distract from current projects. I get them pretty often. They're not all bad. They just reduce my focus on what I'm working on. Sometimes that can be a good thing!

But mainly having idea fairies is an enjoyable thing. It's fun to think about all the possibilities.

The one I started having recently is building a fast booting, dedicated Celeste Classic machine with controller. I play the game basically everyday so that seem worth it

I kinda like it. I feel productive while doing nothing. Gives me time to work on a projects and ideas without fully dedicating my focus or energy. Takes away to the pressure I guess.

I wonder if this is what edging is like but for ideas?

Specifically buildroot. It's been on my mind as a thing useful to learn for like a decade. For 100's of hours, I've paired down SBC OS's after installing. And it always felt like I was getting good at implementing a janky solution.

But it wasn't worth it to learn buildroot for each past or this current project. But it will be worth it to know for the sum of all the projects after this one.

The best time to learn buildroot was 10 years ago. The next best time is today.

I want to learn that was well. It seems like a language intuitive to my ethos. But I haven't even said hello with it yet. I guess we'll see.

I haven't really coded in a bit. The last few times were for fantasy consoles and quick scripts.

I want to get back to attempting serious coding projects. I've learned so much about the inner workings on computers since the last time I was serious about it.

I'm excited to just have a fun little html5 site. 😀

https://sard.neocities.org/

I'm working on less things then I'd like. I think I get past the mania then depression of moving. But I'm not quite out of it yet.

Lately I've been thinking about the rats I live with. It is undesired but sustainable.

I've been thinking about ecosystems, power vacuums, finding a niche, and making space for others to find theirs.

An ecosystem that is designed and self sustains is a system of control empowering its designer.

When thinking of rats that's a well worn thought.

Getting annoyed changing the post privacy on each post. And that I have to delete and re-draft to change it after publishing it. So I'm change gonna start using public instead of unlisted.

Might find a better system for this later.

So I'm testing out embedding a barebones html file into the main index page. I'll write more here as I progress.

Wow it works! But looks like this file usings it's our css so let me include that here too.

An issue that i'm running into not is the embed tag is a predefined size and doesn't resize based on the size of this html file.

Heck it. Embedding / including things without javascript is no fun and bad form. I'll just do it like I was for now.

Motivation is justifiably hard. I have so much agency and the vast majority of possible actions are destructive. Being limited by motivation adds balance. I don't want to take destructive actions.

Destructive actions often decrease my motivation. Conversely construction actions increase my motivation. This seems to be inherent to who I am.

So I focus on maintaining my motivation as a primary goal. I do want.

I tend to be happy and useful others (and my future self) when I listen and negotiate with my initiative.

Sometimes I'm feel depressed and don't want to do much. So then I tend to negotiate harder with my initiative.

Maybe this is the wrong approach. When I'm busy or focus my general awareness is lessened. And important things can go unnoticed. Perhaps my initiative to do nothing is worth hearing out a bit more.

At a given moment most actions I can do would be harmful to myself or others. That's just entropy.

My initiative leads me away from doing harm. Of course it fails sometimes but that's part of learning. It can be easy to justify ignoring my initiative by citing all the harm that has resulted from listening to it.

However, it is my best tool at preventing harm. It is the sum of all of me, not just the parts others like, and I am good natured.

I have a lot of faults. More so than three years ago I think. That's okay life isn't always progress. I feel like I've been in a trance for most of that time. I'm going to take account of things so that that never happens again. Here I will start to tell my journey forward!

Life is hard. Everything is hard.

In the summer of 2022 I made a campaign to play with my roommates. We only ended up playing one session and I left it as an incomplete draft. What I do have I've decide to make into a wiki page. After this I might make a new version of it elsewhere. I left this project unfinished.

I attempted to write a first draft manuscript of 50k words for a novel. I got 30k words after 14 days. I decided to stop and try again with a new project.

This will be my next writing excercise and my first nanowrimo.