Today feels like the worst day I've had since I broke things off with my two partners. It's August 3rd, 2023. I've been stable and in denial. Both feed the other. This is something I do to myself. Person A just made it worse.

I intended to express my upset with A in this next paragraph but I can't muster the energy to think about it. Ultimately all she did was lie to me and use me. These are normal things for others to do to me. And from her position these actions were justified. I held power over her. I didn't intended to, I tried not to, but I did. Lying to those that control you is sometimes the best option.

I've heard people use the term load bearing trauma. If you know the term that's essentially what I'm referring to. I'm going to talk about my experience without that term. I build narratives. When things don't fit with my life story, I can rationalized them into a narrative. I also tend to frequently get existential and question everything. This can interrupt my montentum towards improving my life. The narratives help me counter existential crisises toward an end of stable montentum towards something. This is the process I depend on to continue living and I don't like it.

I've been depending on caffeine to keep my spirits up. It helps me feel excited about something. If I get too excited about to many things I lack focus. If I lack excitement I don't do much. The feeling of pointlessness seeps into me.

The last few days I've had very little social interaction. I lost my phone and so the old friends I was reconnecting with have become too hard for low energy me to access. I'm running out of insulin and low on food. I have a clearer understanding of how each of my parents don't like me. I feel so alone now. I depend of the rush of caffiene to get out of bed and typing this is what came from that.

That burst of excitement is coming to an end now.