Throughout my 20's chickens have been on my mind. I've raised them and cared for them like a cat. I'm allegeric to cats though, dogs too. My parents didn't cuddle with me or my sister when we were kids. My sister did wrestle, cuddle, and lay on top of me. I didn't like this. I cuddled with partners but that was always mired in shitty feelings due to not realizing I was asexual.
So when I was twenty and I was given several baby chicks no one wanted. For the first time in my life I cuddled with another animal and it wasn't itchy or otherwise shitty feeling. Cuddling is a strong drug when you're touch starved as I was. In the brief few weeks before various dogs killed all of them, chickens had become very important to me.
I believe soon this decade long phase of my life will be over. I've raised, loved, and lost many chickens over this decade. And spent much of it without them. The world is not structured to be kind to chickens. And I'm a product of my systems of support. I have not been kind to the beautiful animals I have loved. I've tried to be kind. And I have been in denial about my low chances of success.
It feels like I'm on the verge of something new. In reality, I'm failing to see the consequences of failure. With chickens, failure is fatal. I can't support them. We live in different world. Things aren't going to get better for them, dogs, cows, or humans. I can't do anything to help them. I would have to give too much, I have tried, and the burnout stops all progress. And then people support towards a different path.
There is no path were I can help a particular species except my own. I don't want to out of spite really. Losing my love for chickens caste the world in grey. But I can't keep building hope and it ending with me having to choose between my well being and them being alive. This seems like the choices the good natured wealthy would have to makes. They can become like me tho. I can't become a chicken, nor would I want to.
I'm going to leave this uneditted. I can't read it right now. (Note: this was edited later.)