At the moment I am alone and it's not that useful. Spent three years failing to live up to a model that suggested I loosen my connection to person A. I eventually did that. But at that point I'd lost or loosen most of my connections. Now I'm primarily struggling with motivation.
I'm struggling to finish this post. Everything feels pointless in a deep way. Like I can create my own meaning is my being is something I view as inheriently evil. Haven't come to that conclusion but I feel close to that possibility. That humanities nature is an inadequent rejection of the nature of earth life.
Granting that all earth life including humans is evil, what point is there in doing anything. It is in our nature to not be evil and in are nature that we can only be evil. The only route then is denial, lying to ourselves only long enough to exceed our lifetimes in the secret hope that our child will be different.
Were that true then I'd prefer to hold that true and not do much of anything about it. What could I do? Every attempt to subvert my evil nature would stem from it. I think this is the mindset that drives me to freezing and isolating. Recognizing that there are not positive outcomes. Only clever forms of denial.
I'm writing this over multiple days. Not editing / rereading the previous text. I fear that if I read it I will feel the post pointless and not post at all. At the moment I'm feel quite dazed. My blood sugars have been okay despite need more and more insulin. I have been getting highs and lows tho.
Low blood sugars create a crazy brain fog that seems to effect the continuity of how I experience the day. Isolation and the heat also create brain fog. And my diet isn't that great and I'm not excercising much. My daily routines is watching content and building up the motivation to eat something. When necessary I get excited about a mostly pointless project and that keeps me from fully drinking the void.
Life feels unshakably pointless in that I can find no meaning in it that feels stable. I decide a meaning and within 3 days or so I've decided to give up on that meaning. Pointlessness seeps in deeper for each of these cycles of finding meaning.
If I diverge from this line of thinking then I'm post something here